Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I'm Just Not Cut Out For Porn

Over the past 30 years, I have had many, MANY jobs. Sometimes holding down two or three part-time jobs at one time.  I've collated newspaper ads, served frozen yogurt, and greeted preppy teens at The Gap. I've been paid to give my opinions on everything from fat free Alfredo sauce to selecting a new logo for a frozen pizza company.  Once I was given the task of hanging out in a local Target to interview shoppers about their pet's favorite brand of food. However, none of my previous employment could have prepared me for the job of motherhood.  It's not only hands on...it has required me to be on my feet, too. Day and night I've clocked in countless hours of wiping up spills, scrubbing down walls and bandaging scraped knees; while scaring monsters out of closets.  It has turned me into an exterminator of sorts from ridding the tub of nasty soap scum rings to removing teeny tiny critters from each and every strand of my little darlings' heads.

So, I admit there have been times during my career as a stay at home mom, when I've fantasized about what my life would be like today had I chosen a different path.  I imagine I'd be a much cleaner person.  I wouldn't need to change my clothes so often because someone has accidentally barfed or sneezed on me.  Or, because I've just spent the morning crawling under a bed and reaching behind dusty appliances to retrieve a beloved toy.  My hairstyle would be neater, too since I didn't need to pick clumps of chocolate frosting out of my hair because my lil' helper decided to turn the mixer on the highest setting.

Being a Mom is a dirty job.

Maybe that is why when I recently applied for a "Creative Writer" position, the company thought I would make a great addition to their team...of porn writers.

Yep, you read that right.

Porn.

I guess from reading the writing samples I sent them, they believed that I, who have spent almost a decade dealing with dirty dishes, grimy laundry and sticky surfaces....would be the perfect person to become a wordsmith of wet dreams.  Even though they were sure to stress that not all of the writing would be porn-related, I just don't think I'm cut out for the job.  I'm mean, it's not that I'm squeamish.  I have done some pretty dirty things...like catching projectile vomit with my bare hands or getting poo out of my wood grain floor, but some dirt is just too filthy for me.


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6 comments:

  1. Um.... ewww!!! That's rough! I wouldn't be cut out for that either.

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  2. Okay, now that is HILARIOUS!!!! I would do the job...so you have all kinds of good ideas for you blog writing!!! ;) And for your husband... perhaps? LOL

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  3. "Not all the writing will be porn related"? I don't even want to think what the other part of your job would entail.

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  4. Amen! Fun post. I'll take motherhood over porn any day.

    Happy Sharefest. Have a great weekend.

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  5. Seriously? That's just… weird. I just… I just… I just don't even know what to say. I have so many inappropriate questions.

    But motherhood is better.

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  6. Funny stuff! I shudder to think what the rest of the job would be like. But you are so right -- being a mom is dirty duty enough!

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